Tag Archives: funny

Toddler conversation

A conversation with my toddler, now two-and-a-half:

“What dat, Mommy?”

“That sound? That’s the car engine. We’re leaving the parking lot to go home.”

“No. What DAT?” I hear the swish of his jacket fabric as he raises his arm to point at things I can’t see.

“Honey, I can’t see what you’re looking at. Can you tell me what color it is?”

“WHAT. DAT.”

“Is it blue? Green? Can you tell me what shape it is?”

“Mommyyyyyy…. what IS dat?”

“Liam, you’re going to have to give me more information. Where is it? In the sky? On the ground?”

“It right DERE, Mommy. What is it?”

I pull the car out of the space and look around for clues. The rear-facing child seat makes this game exponentially more difficult.

“Do you mean that big van?”

“Nope.”

“Is it something in the sky? an airplane? A rainbow?”

“Nope.”

“Honey, I’m out of ideas here.”

“MOMMY WHAT DAT?” Swish. Point.

“The flags? Do you mean those flags?”

“Yes.”

“Those are flags, Liam.”

“Oh. Okay.”




Nine Exciting Part-Time Jobs for Med Techs

Whether you’re calling yourself a medical laboratory technologist or clinical laboratory scientist or any combination of those, let’s face it: you’re likely underpaid, overworked, and underappreciated by the rest of the healthcare team. In honor of Medical Laboratory Professionals Week, April 24-30, 2016, I’ve come up with a helpful list of part-time jobs that med techs can sign up for on their days off to bring in a little extra money. After all, we’ve got an impressive skill set thanks to our laboratory training!


1. Large Appliance Mechanic

maintenance on beckman lab instruments

The instruments are always down, and you’re always neck-deep inside one trying to figure out what’s stuck where. Why restrict yourself to chemistry analyzers and hematology counters when those same skills can probably dislodge stray forks from a dishwasher?

2. Shelf Stocker

shelf full of laboratory reagents

Everything is labeled, facing front, tagged with expiration dates and segregated by lot number. The grocery store will never be the same once you’re done with them.

3. Flower Arranger

plastic beaker full of pipettes

You can fit one more carnation in there. And a fern. Keep jamming.

4. Crime Scene Cleanup Technician

blood cleanup with bleach

It’s disturbing how quickly you can jump in with advice when someone asks how to get blood out of clothes.

 


5. Balloon Artist

balloon made of nitrile glove

They work well as water balloons too. Don’t ask me how I know. What happens during lab week stays in lab week.

6. Extremely Patient Phone Customer Service Representative

lab phone call

Yes, your specimen is hemolyzed. No, it was definitely like that when we got it. And no, we can’t run it anyway. No, we don’t hemolyze it just because we don’t like you. We’d use those laser-eyes for much better things if we had them, trust us.

7. Timekeeper

laboratory timers

Bake cookies in four different ovens. Sit in a hairdresser’s and monitor how long the dye’s been on whom. Stand by the track at the Olympics and time the bobsleds.1

8. Barista for Blood Cafe

pouring blood

Depending on whose blood you’ve got, it’s pretty lowfat, and I can definitely give you extra foam.

9. That Guy Who Writes Names On Grains Of Rice

labeled tubes sharpie

We know that anything fatter than an ultra-fine Sharpie doesn’t deserve the pocket space. Years of teeny tiny writing on tubes, labels, and badly-designed downtime worksheets means that we’ve perfected the skill of fitting our initials and the date (and more) into microscopic spaces.


Happy Lab Week to all my fellow lab rats. May your QC always be in range and may your STATs be few.


1 True story: I bought myself a lab-style timer for my kitchen, because I’m so well-conditioned that I can’t help but respond immediately to the beeping. And multiple channels are so incredibly useful when I’m cooking and have one thing on the stovetop and one in the oven and need to keep track of them both.

Many thanks to my lab friends for helping me with the photos for this post.

Amazon links in this post are affiliate links, and you can read more about that here. I only ever link to products I love and recommend.

It’s a Pooh Thing, You Wouldn’t Understand

I took a few hours out of my day to be with Liam for the Halloween parade at daycare today. I arrived early, half an hour before the big event, so I sat with him and the other kids in his class while the teachers caught them one by one to put their costumes on. The kids are all between one and two years old, so there was a lot of chasing and giggling and crying.

The first little boy to be dressed found himself stuffed into a Tigger costume that he wanted absolutely no part of, and he sat in the middle of the floor wailing and tugging at the scratchy orange velour. Of particular offense was the giant fluffy Tigger head that completely covered his own little head and was attached with a snap he couldn’t undo. As he continued to cry and strangle himself trying to behead his costume, I scooched a little closer to him, with Liam in my lap, and asked “Do you know what’s so wonderful about Tiggers?” He stopped crying and stared at me.

“It’s that Tiggers? They’re wonderful things.”

Blink. Tug.

“Their tops,” I poked his belly, “are made out of rubber!”

He stared at his belly.

“Their bottoms?” I wiggled his foot. “They’re made out of springs!”

He wiggled his feet.

“They’re trouncy pouncy flouncy bouncy,” I bounced.

“Fun fun fun fun fun!”

“The wonderful wonderful thing about Tiggers is you’re the only one! Yoooooooooou’re the only one!”

He applauded my effort and crawled off with Tigger’s head dangling around his neck.

A night in the life of a pregnant woman

On an average night, I wake up twice because my bladder only has a fraction of its former volume left.

Gonna BlowI add to the problem by giving my kidneys a fresh cold glass of water to process every time I get up, because for unfathomable reasons, peeing at 1:45am makes me desperately thirsty. It’s usually as I’m climbing back into bed (yes, climbing – I need a step-stool to haul myself into the bed now) that I realize I’m too hot and sweaty to ever possibly get back to sleep, so my first wake-up ends with me turning on the ceiling fan. Even if it’s cool outside, and even if the air conditioning is keeping the room at a reasonable 75F. After my second wake-up around 4am, I give up on my PJs and end up half-naked and sweating on top of the sheets, gasping for oxygen like a dying fish while my husband snores beside me wrapped in a blanket.

It’s the hormones and the squirming heat-generating nugget in my uterus that are making me sweat, but I’m sure the pillow nest is helping to retain that heat and contributing to cooking me alive. I could probably hatch chickens in my bed. Or alligators. And they’d all be male.

IMG_0652crop

The nest is a necessity, because apparently the worst thing you can do while pregnant is sleep in any manner other than on your left side. So you buy fancy giant pillows and prop yourself up all night and try not to roll onto your back and die. How humanity got through the dark ages before Snoogle pregnancy pillows is a mystery to me.

Reclining Woman in a Landscape

In Renaissance days, pregnant women stuffed a small yippy dog at the small of their back when sleeping, so the dog could warn them if they tried to roll over.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s nap time. So I have to go pee.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Eggs, and Spam

Blog spam is a weird world.

Most of my spam is trying to sell drugs. I like to imagine they’re only sharing insider information on cheap sources of prescription medications with everyone so they can undermine predatory Big Pharma and stick it to the man.

ambien

Notice how some of them look like they thought my blog comment section was a Google search box? The guy who was looking for help with his Thai Ambien-induced diarrhea must be so embarrassed right now.

Most of the spam consists of a short line of text with a link back to the spammer’s website. Sometimes, though, these guys really bring their best to the game and get a gold star for effort. They cut and paste a block of text from a news story and slip in their key words and links so smoothly that you hardly notice you’re being subliminally led to their pages. See if you can detect the subtle changes in the following text that turn it into a spam masterpiece:

tiffanyWho knows what these guys are trying to sell me.

It’s not all bad, though. Many of my comments make it look like English-as-a-sceond-language teachers are using blog commenting as a way for their students to improve their reading and writing skills. How else to explain all the praise I receive in confused English?

It’s hard to find educated people on this topic, however, you sound like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks!

What a material of un-ambiguity and preserveness of valuable experience regarding unpredicted feelings.

I think this is one of the most significant info for me. And i am glad reading your article. But wanna remark on some general things, The site style is perfect, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers

These are actually enormous ideas in regarding blogging. You have touched some nice points here. Any way keep up wrinting.

I know all this junk is fake. I know that none of these are real people who are actually reading my blog, let alone enjoying the content. I recently learned about how spammers come up with these comments and why they all read like a foreign student getting fancy with a thesaurus. It’s actually kind of a neat idea, except that it rarely works right. Still, it’s nice to hear that robots enjoy my work. At least, most of them do. Some robots don’t, and they’re mean about it:

mean

If it wasn’t for the plug at the end for Mitsubishi air conditioners (Mitsubishi makes air conditioners?), I’d think I had a passive-aggressive bully coming to abuse me on my blog. Maybe I do need a better spam filter after all, before the mean spam bots wreck my self-esteem.

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